kidnap my heart.

& it was the first, with you ♥

written with a pen
sealed with a kiss
shown by a song
proven by the heart ♥

shall be on hiatus for now, i supposed. heys, mid-year examinations are just next week. wait, scratch that. it's this friday. boo. study study study sooooooooooooon. alright, i'm out. & i'm in love with this song, woo. ok, bye.

today's the 20th.
approximately 182 days to O levels
exactly 5 more days to MYE
approximately 1 month 6days to MT O level paper

i'm going to die soon. i want to back out from D&T, literally. bye.

[edit] Você ainda são os mesmos. Sempre quando eu estou no meu pior que você acabou de evitar me como se você não conhecer-me. No entanto, quando eu estou de volta-se sendo que kick ass menina, que chegou para mim e vamos bitch. Se não, você não estar lá para me preocupar. Você disse, "ohh ir com a corrente". Assim eu vou dizer-lhe uma coisa. Às vezes indo com o seguimento significa hipocrisia. Preferiria estar com quem tem mais amigos, em vez de quem tem nenhum. Você tem medo de perder a face. Enfrentá-lo, eu sou apenas um bom amigo quando eu estou feliz que menina. Quando estou na pior das hipóteses, você agir como se você não conhecer-me. Em primeiro lugar, quem sou eu realmente para você.

when things fail, i'm left to pick them up on my own. have you ever thought for a second... even for one split second? think about it. [/edit]

by the way, this has NOTHING to do with my friend

it's getting closer...

when will i be rewarded that kind of luxury?

& what i need now is that! however, i'm not suppose to be smiling but rather emotionless. really, soon, i'm going to have to sacrifice my sleeping time. however, i can't. i easily get those bad headaches if i don't rest well. due to the insufficient amount of food intake plus the countless hours of moving around & working my brain out till it will be burnt out. & when that happens, i think there is going to a home for burnt out female patients, & i will be the first.

i'm turning in. sean said i should. i can't stand the pain. hopefully i'm given a chance to extend the deadline of the folio. really, i need to rest. mum said i can't overwork myself. what the hell. i need to sacrifice my time a lot, goddamnit. sigh.

alright, what the hell am i doing here, updating this blog? i'm supposed to be asleep, NOW. go & sleep rau, GO! ok night.

*i'm wishing for all these misery to end. 111108, 0900h is when i will throw everything around in scream for celebration, sigh.

I NEED TO SLEEP! NIGHT.

CRASH! goes the glass.

& it's a question to whether it's tear of joy or tear of cry.

& i'm out tears to shed. i conclude that it isn't the best day ever for me for this month. puffy eyes are seen. staring at the computer screen just makes my eyes even dry. i'm being oblivious to nadrah's advice of sleeping once i got home. i'm sorry.

as much as i wish to confront her at times, deep inside, i know she is the only one who knows me best. even if the contrast of our behavior is obvious, i know without, i'll be locking every problems i have in me. i'm sorry for nudging you off when you comforted me. i felt that you weren't needed at that time. however, i soon realize that the only person i can turn to is you. i'll clear this out with you, one day. as much as i wish i could confront you, i still do respect you as a best friend. question for you, is strong friendship a one sided thing? think about it. loves.

distance felt. what happened. i could still feel you, however, it's bare, at heart. it just got me thinking, deeper than i should. i would never say that you've changed, never. however, i miss you. i miss you like how a child misses his mum when they're distance apart. really, i do. every now and then i think. was it avoidance or some other things. i miss, i really do. i'm over-reacting here, yes i agree. sigh, where are you, *cries* although, your love at heart is still felt in me, but i can't feel you like i always do. sigh, *cries*

i visited her profile. like what i told sarah & sufiah, i compare myself to her. from the song tear drops on my guitar:
she's got everything that i have to live without
sigh, i need to talk to sarah & sufiah.

& things ain't pretty at home. the reluctance of speaking to me is getting obvious. i feel as though i'm made invisible at home. what has become of me. who am i now.

& i feel no sense of care, love, happiness & whatsoever from every angle be it at home, school & even... sigh. question now is... where are you when i need you... the most, *cries*

[edit] & band just had me crying too. i'll miss those guy bitches in my section. i'll miss those lovely companies at the mallet section. i'll miss those sounds of music made. i'll miss the atmosphere. i'll miss my baby mallet. & most of all, i'll miss MR GOH & MR SHAH. however, still, i will visit them.

& HAPPY 18th TO ARIFF, in advance. see see i still remember horxx.
& thanks RRE for caring (: loves. [/edit]

& my feelings show that i miss you terribly ♥

who would ever...

& as i walk into the darkness, i wish for everyone i love back into my life.

i'll abandon all my feelings if i can never sort them out right.
i'll abandon all the happiness i had built if i lost a great friend.
i'll abandon everything in life if lies just keep going around.
i'll abandon myself if i can't understand who i am.
i'll abandon my future if i can't dictate/draw it.
i'll abandon this blog if it's just a place to critic myself.

& the question i asked myself is,
"can i pause my life just to rewind & play it back at the mistake scene before the mistake is being made?"

& i wish to go on hiatus till i'm fine.
kak liyana, when you're online, we'll talk ok? *cries*

& i miss siti nuraishah.
& i love ahmadsaiful.

... unexpected ...

& i'm that happy girl when i'm with you ♥♥

long update. or short update? i think i shall give a short update. i'm no where near the mood to update long grandmother story like i always do. i'm tired, that's one thing for sure. however, here i am, blogging. what the heck (-.-)

to cut the short update even shorter. i'm sorry. what happened today turned out unexpected.

ok i'm done. i don't have the mood to update. i guess it just had me thinking, deeper. at any cost, i'll apologies. not you.

ok, bye.

from now on...

they don't always portray nice meanings behind them...

i have to stop slacking from now on. i will start on revising. i will not waste any time i have. that includes recess, please. i must study. if none can help me, so be it. they can't always be there to help me, nor vice versa. i shall try help myself then.

this means time alone for studying. for the sake of Os. sigh. & for the sake of me not asking them help anymore. that's it.

*i'm sick of always giving in to you guys & hardly you guys gave in when i needed help. is this what they call friends?*

& again...

& you had me falling for butterflies just like i had fallen for you ♥

i ended up not going to school, again. however, i did go for breakfast this morning. my aim was to go breakfast as well as school. somehow, on the way to school, i almost went black out. the heat inside my body was acting up again. i couldn't seem to walk properly. i can't laugh nor talk nor show any expressions. nadrah said my lip was pale. alyah & shazni said i was in between. they advised me to go home, & i had to. sigh. so much for not wanting to miss school. thank god ms lim said i'm able to take my NAPFA on another day. thanks for your concern ms lim (:

the weird part was that everyone was walking to school, while i was walking against their direction. people were looking at me. i was already trying to stay strong as far as i can. once home, i couldn't take it anymore & went to bed to rest. the headache was really acting up. sigh.

in the morning, met my friends at 0700h. nash couldn't make it, sadly though. went to loyang point to eat. walked past GVSS. *i was hoping to see him doing duty since i remember loyang point is near there* however, they were doing flag raising. gaah. anyways, we should eat at loyang point more often *not because of walking past GVSS* as the place there is quiet and calm (:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i need to eat. i really have to. however, i'm not eating. well, ok i ate just a moment ago. well, i was forced to. not that i wanted to. really, i have to eat. i need to eat. anybody willing to force me to eat? the sad fact here is that i can't eat oily, spicy, too salty food. that means i can only eat tasteless food. gawdd, this is what i get for not eating properly & for skipping meals.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i miss my friend. i think my friend is disappointed in me for not taking care of myself. i love my friend. i must start eating properly. i must not stress myself. my friend has been very patient with me, thank you. i want my friend, now, please.

yet again.

yes, i'm awake. no, i'm not skipping school. i have NAPFA today. i can't afford to skip. if i skip today, it'll be the the third time in a row of three weeks. i have to eat. however, i don't want to eat. i want to eat. however my stomach will back out last minute by not wanting to accept food. i'm hungry.

my laptop went lagging just now when i entered my blog. i suspected it was the long post. true enough it was. i had to delete the long blockquote made. that was the thing that made my laptop lagging. i'm serious. don't ask me how was that possible. it did. fcuk.

& now i want to sleep. bye.

BRAVO... not

& i wish that the bear hanging was... from you ♥

one question in my mind right now. why am i weak? ok, one obvious reason is that because i don't have a proper dietary. i skip meals. i eat junk food. i eat rubbish. i like to starve myself. no, i'm not aneroxic. yes, my friend is disappointed in me for not taking care of myself. yes, i want to cry. reason being because i have to miss school, again. that means i'll miss lessons. that means i'll be far behind. that means i'll have to catch up very fast. i have a mental sickness, i think. i have this mind thinking if i eat more, i'll gain weight. i'm heavy already. help, anyone? sigh.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

school's fine. lessons are ok. POTC is not horror. everyone goes crazy about it. he's deprived, i think. i slept for 2periods & a half just now. my body wasn't burning up but i felt the uneasiness of the warm inside. i had a terrible headache. still having it now. band was ok. i bought for sufiah strawberry lollipop as requested (you're welcome dearest). i love kak dayah a lot. i miss a lot. & that includes nizamFISH too. i love sock chian, sufiah & sarah. i love to talk to sarah. i love to disturb sufiah. i love my dotter loads for being there for me.

got out of school about 1919h. timing was perfect, my friend just finished too. i went to meet my friend. i wasn't able to slack with him. we walked to the bustop at my area. i felt like vomiting. i was already dizzy. my friend offered to send me till my blk. he did, sadly not to my doorstep (how i wish). i love him. thank you. you have to force me to eat. he keeps a look out on me besides my lovable friends.
aishah is trying to make me eat now. i don't feel like eating at the moment. however, i will promise to start eating properly, soon.

tomorrow DENGDENG INC. is going to eat prata. i can't miss it. i promise to go. i have to go. fcuk my fever. i have lessons to attend in school. i have to study. i have to. i can't miss school, anymore. drag me to school, anyone?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

*deleted area as it was lagging my laptop, really -.-*

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

to my friend:
thank you for everything. i love you. yes, i do. loves.

P.S. *will tell you when we meet*