th only thing to do now is just.. wonder. & continue studying. & focus on close to heart.

nothing much can be said. it's like a berlin wall is being built. or rather, iron curtain is being hung down. thr's no simple gesture or eye contact or friendly approach anymore. it just feels foreign now. but at times, deep down inside, th only one feeling thr is, is worry. healths been affected. thoughts being disrupted. it's not th same.

maybe one day, when everything dies down. and th wall is being broken down, friendship can be reconnected once more. though wishes of everything becoming better is much wanted. because if others can tone down, why can't you too? that's all we asked fr.

happy expressions may seem to flash across faces. but inside, may contain another story.

i pray everything's alright fr you. & i hope you do too.

at times people are not what they seem. th approach they give might be th one they didn't want to give but they did. they might be th opposite of how we see them. or they might be more of to what they had showed us. and this happens in everyone us, i supposed.

be it th good or th bad, these people are still our friends. they approached us, came into our social circle and expand our social circle. however, it's your choice to make of how you want to split your time with all of them. your time or friendship is not tied to only one person or group. you have th freedom to hop around and basically just mix with everyone. that way your friendship with everyone is almost equal.

as fr me, i wish to not get tied to anyone or any group. shits might have happened. but none of you have th right to tell me what to do. i just wish to hop around with friends and be happy tgt.

i really appreciate this certain group of people. th support i have from them is very much appreciated and i really thank them fr being thr. they ought to know who they are. we've been tgt fr a year now and still tgt, as buddy class ♥♥

right now, time alone is much needed. Uncle♥ and BM♥ have been very much helpful and making me realise one thing. itu mereka punya pasal. perangai macam budak menengah. janji, sahabat sahabat saya bersama saya agak matang untuk menyedari akan menjaga perasaan seorang sahabat yang baik.

& from now on, i'm not going to let any reality drama bring me down.

i need to read up on forensic chemistry and quality assurance modules.

shattered rainbow,

i just one thing to say here.

i've had enough of everyth alr. don't make it anymore worse. i'm literally, emotionally and mentally crushed. this is much worse than that of secondary school. this is tertiary level. i'm getting older. we're getting older. stop pressing me w this. i'm depressed enough alr. are you happy? your plan to turn over th damn table has alr been fulfilled.

i won't be surprised should anytg happen next. it's so predictable. you ate my pride. you tore my friendliness. you broke my heart. all th colors are drained out. i have no more colors in me except that of me & my love. you really went beyond th line. you're really too much.

i'm utterly disgusted by th fact i was actually able to tolerate you. i'm really disgusted of myself because of you. do you know how demoralising it is? if not, let me tell you. it's Super Demoralising w a capital S and D. it's enough to make me anti social all over again. enough to make me lose confidence in social aspect. above it all, enough to make me be fcuking disappointed in you.

i feel like an SMACT blogger. i'm not supposed to be that. i've trained myself to not do this. but now, i did. i'm not supposed to but yea i did. why, why. because of you. a friend like you. a friend i trusted so much. believed in so much. tolerated you enough. but no, you never really see that. all you see is me, as a punching bag. yea, punch all you want. till every part of it tear. till you've got nothing else to punch.

don't you dare say i'm talking nonsense. because i'm not. i've gone through enough w you to actually observe your traits. & you know it's th truth.

idk where i stand anymore. i really don't. i'll appeal out if it makes th situation better. i neither belong here nor thr. i don't need charity act. really, i don't. i'd rather be an anti social than to be surrounded by charities.

you see how bad my impression of social aspect is now, huh? do you? do you fcuking see?!

i just need time alone now. i really do. i just need time w love. to drain out this depression i'm having. to recover from th fever i'm having. to get away from all this pain. he's th only one who can do that.

don't you ever think fr a second that friends can just be replaced as and when you like. because you fcuking don't do that. and after your replaced friends are gone, you take back th friends you disposed off. that is just fcuking using them. & you, just made a literal visual example of that. trust me, i know. i've seen that.

i don't like to say name or pin point. but somehow this is rather very much obvious. because th damages you did to everyone is quite severe. as fr th damages done to me, it's severe enough to kill th old me. and it alr did. and whoever knows what's going on would have alr guessed from th beginning of this post who it is. and i know, you know too.

you can cry all you want after reading this. i don't give a damn. you can choose to thicken your skin w flour, also i don't give a damn. because you made me tear more than i ever should. you made me tear when people keep telling me i'm meant to smile.

you can choose to slap my face if you want to. but if you do, i dare you to slap me in front of th mass lecture students. th pain i carry is so much, it's enough to drown you in it. and i've been drowned w it all, w my very own tears. happy now?

sigh. i don't even know who i am anymore. all those years of finding my true self in me, and having confidence in myself to believe in friends, gone just like that. because of you. you really smashed my wall.

this is pointless. you're still my friend. but you'll be somewhere at th back of my mind. i should just treat you as how you treat me as well as everyone else.

non existent.

good night.

bygone... unlikely,

because when everyth comes crashing down,

you'll turn around and walk back to where you started.

however, when you always hoped you have th same people waiting thr fr you w open arms,

you'll find that no one's thr, like it used to.

because they learnt your traits,

they learnt your ways.

they're not dumb enough to just stand thr and keep th cycle going.

because sooner or later, they'll have to learn

and realise that their world doesn't revolve around you.

as fr me, i was th latter.

how shall i start this post. fact or fact?

anyway, school's starting tomorrow. am excited. will be meeting up w friends again. both 25 and 26 people. heard Yr2 is going to be one hell of a year. it just makes me wonder if taking science as a great interest is th right thing. cause i could barely remember what's organic alr :x oh well.

one of th modules to look foward to is forensic chemistry. sounds interesting doesn't it? can't wait to get digging into th module and try to understand why it's call forensic chemistry (:

holidays had been quite a great one. though sadly i wasted it just like that without taking up any jobs. shame on you rau. oh well. it's a lesson fr me. i'll try to search fr part time jobs and well, i'll see how it goes. on th other hand, some days were spent well. w friends and books. uhhuh, i was so delighted when i managed to get my hands on th next two novels fr vampire diaries. i'm left w th 2nd one to complete it. i'm thinking of getting th novels. but that can wait.

what's more important is my health. i need to get some stuffs that are good fr my health. it is such a depressing sight to th fact that i'm 18 and having certain unforseen situations happening to me that affects my health. what is more demoralising is that i do not know how and where to start taking care of my health. this is somewhat abnormal fr me. & i do not really like it. sigh.

this is quite of a long post alr. i'll stop here. i can't wait fr school and this coming wednesday. sword and sheath on th loose ;)

in th lala land machine,

yes, i'm currently awake. w an annoying flu :/ i need to sleep soon.

last wednesday met up w Qayyum, Sed and Bobo. awesome i tell you. missed them lots. managed to catch up on alot of things. really. w th OKAYYYY. lol. can't wait to meet up w them again soon. trust me, they could really represent all th girls who gossips. lol. fun bunch :D

tomorrow will be going fr GYL outing. to marina barrage. can't wait. hope it'll be fun ^^ just like camp. wish we could all camp tgt again. they are really a fun bunch. seriously. not those kind of camps you know you know. it's like THE camp. haha.

& i'm really praying hard that dear ning ning gets in 2B/25. really. please approve her appeal *prays hard* yes, i'm in 2B/25. away from my lovable DCP 05 of 09/10. well th 4 actually. shucks. however, i decided not to appeal as i know most of th 2B/25 people. well, they were my camp mates. & i'll still have lectures/tutorials w my DCP 05 who are now 2B/26. i'll miss them all, especially princess, jun hao, linus... basically my class clique ♥

i'm not sure what else to update on. think i'll turn in now.

night.

typical wind blown against,

my holidays are officially, dull. exception of outing w close to heart and friends (: i'm done reading all th 4 books i've gotten. damn sad. i still need that last book of vampire diaries. urgh it's frustrating when i'm not able to find it anywhere. screw the hard covers. sucks.

shit i just gotten goosebumps and yet again. i removed my keyboard cover as it's annoying. and omg! th lines in between each key are freaking me out. ah shit. okay i had no choice but to place it back. gawd, i have a weird fear ):

can't wait fr th last week of holidays. having a GYL camp outing, help out fr orientation *yay* and meeting up w probably my two swiss cottages people xD please please let me meet them. it's been ages since i last saw them.

anyways, i notice my posts are full of words. hardly any pictures. i'm lazy to post them up. but i'll post a few pictures of GYL camp : D

th few jokers of GYL camp. haha.

Logistic & Editorial Committee performing Abracadabra. th best performance fr th GALA night (:

Nurli, Zee, Sin Ning & Myself : D

students of EEE & CLS. when masquerade theme meets pajamas theme. haha.

My group, 1B. th awesome people i bond w. not forgetting my committee too : D

GYL ♥

yes, GYL rocked hard. i really enjoyed my time. i take back what i said about rotting in thr. it's totally th opposite. i wish i had them all as my classmates. aww, i still dcp 05`2009 (:

results were out last week. i did pretty much well, nothing lower than a B. bio was such a shocker. but Alhamdulillah. it was a true blessing. same goes fr th other. though chemistry wasn't much expected. but it's better than nothing (: hence, this allowed me to apply fr diploma plus. & i did. tomorrow's th results. Insya'Allah i'll get accepted. however, i'm still unsure as to accept it or reject it. still thinking.

went to watch clash of th titans w close to heart today. he was shocked that it was rated 2 stars but we watched it anyway. which could watch it in 3D since he wanted it however, it would cause a hole in our wallet. settled w 2D. my my, quite a good movie i should say, fr a 2 star movie. short, yes, compared to th old one. haha. thr was pretty lady and cute guy. lol *inside joke* & sorry fr whatever that happened. i'll be optimistic (: as of tomorrow, i'll focus well ♥

met shab fr a while after that to pass her Dear John. thank you shab & faris fr sending me off. haha. wish i could stay but can't. & i still feel like throwing my wallet at duane's face. lol. shab, meet up one day & just slack (: ♥

& to BM and RRE: jia you fr JC life. know it's stress but got to keep your mind focus on As (: Insya'Allah you both will do well. everytg will pay off at th end. can means can : D

meet up again soon w shab (: ♥